Q:  My husband and I have been married for four and a half years. We conceived our first child soon after we got married and the second one came along 15 months later. Before the kids came, we had a good romantic life -- after the kids arrived, practically none.

We love each other and are very invested and committed in our relationship to each other and our kids. We even go out on dates once a week and try to go out, just the two of us, during the week too, but our sexual/sensual relationship no longer exists.

I think this is because we are too tired and busy with baby duty most days and nights. So it doesn't leave much room for those wonderful romantic feelings we once had. Honestly, since I had my kids, I have no more libido.

Even if you put the most attractive person in front of me, I would have no sexual desires. What do you make of that? Has our relationship changed forever, or do sexual feelings come back again? What can I do? What can we do?
-Susan from Sacramento (Published by Relationship Coaching Institute where Katherin is a Certified Master Relationhship Coach)

KS:   Hi Susan!
Yes, having young children can dampen the romantic bliss you once shared. If you're really serious about making your marriage better, here are some ideas to not only bring back those romantic feelings but also to take it up a notch.

-Change your priorities where your husband and marriage come BEFORE the kids. Its good for you both and it makes the kids feel safer.

-Forget the dates. You probably just talk about the kids or the bills. Instead go away for the weekend to a couple's retreat, especially a Tantra retreat. Learn to connect on a deeper level. The kids may whine but they really aren't afraid of you leaving. Kids just need to know you're coming back.

-Go to counseling. Go now for ideas to keep your marriage healthy.

-Get help around the house. Hiring a teenager is an inexpensive way to get chores done. Go to the local high school office and ask for names of helpers and babysitters.

-Take vitamins and natural health tinctures to improve your libido. Yes they do exist and they work. And practice extreme self care - not just 10 minutes a day for yourself.

-Give your husband what he needs to feel loved and be willing to ask for what you need. Not sure? Read The Five Love Languages together.

-Spend quality time snuggled close with your husband. Bring back the 'pillow talk'. Share your dreams with your husband and imagine the perfect life together. Remember why you first fell in love with each other.

No excuses. Make your marriage a priority. It may not be easy but it's worth the effort, for you, your husband and your kids.

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Q:  I like your comment about "Must-Have's" - those "non-negotiables"... like the things that you aren't willing to move on. Like spirituality, diet, lifestyle, etc. I am ready for a partner and have been "not looking" but "looking". So what do you recommend on how to meet someone you want to be with? I've tried the online thing and I rather don't like it.
-MizErin (Posted at TheCircle where Katherin is a mentor for the Grow a Relationship Circle)

KS:  Dear MizErin!

Everyone has their personal non-negotiables. It's important to figure out what YOUR top 5 non-negotiable requirements are and then to develop conversational questions to ask potential partners.

And, it's important to understand the 3 stages of dating:

1) dating
2) pre-commitment
3) commitment

Most people aren't aware of the 2nd stage so they go from meeting someone to dating to commitment and then, if they realize the person is not right for them - then to break-up.

Then they meet someone new, then date, then commit, then break-up. This is called serial monogamy - and the only result is getting old!

If you're truly ready for a partner, figure out your top non-negotiables and your conversational questions to ask potential partners.

Where to find potential partners? Go to venues that are the best for you - they match your value system and the people there are already pre-qualified. For example: your church singles group or a singles hiking club or a speed-dating and wine tasting event.

And online dating sites are a great place to meet potential partners. You say you've tried online dating and didn't like it. Get help with your online profile. 95% of all profiles are boring and tell little about the person. Hire a coach to help you write a profile that helps you shine and filters out people who don't share your values.

It's all about your 2-second first impression online (yes, that's all you get!). I can help you write an amazing online profile that will create a "living color invitation" online and attract the perfect potential partners for you.

Happy Dating!

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Q:  I'm ready for a friendship or for social connections but definitely not ready for a long life partner. I haven't really dated lately - got caught up with school and work. So, when is the best time to ask a girl out? How do you develop a friendship with a stranger?
-Jaetee (Posted at TheCircle where Katherin is a mentor for the Grow a Relationship Circle)

KS:  Dear Jaetee!

Sounds like it's time for you to get out and have some fun! All work and no play makes for a dull Jaetee.

When is the best time to ask a young lady out? Anytime you meet someone who catches your eye. Be confident. Keep it light and ask her to do something fun with you.

What's the best way to develop a friendship? Get to know one another. Spend time together. Have intimate conversations about your interests, your values, your goals, your likes and dislikes. Find things you have in common. Do fun activities together. Don't rush the relationship, just enjoy it as it grows.

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Q:  I met a great guy and really want to date him. We're both in our forties and have teen-aged children. We get along well and we're both really interested in each other.  There's definitely a spark/chemistry. He's been divorced 5 months after a 22-year marriage. We've gone out twice
together for lunch.

I want to date him (and he's made it clear he wants to date me), but I am not sure that's the best thing to do given his recent divorce. I'm really drawn to him and I don't want to lose him--he seems like a perfect match. Yes, my heart is over-taking my common sense. He says he's ready to move on and get into a new relationship. And, I'm definitely ready. I've been divorced for several years and want to get married again.

What do you think about me dating him? My friends say it would be a big mistake and that I would be the "rebound girl." I definitely don't want that. So, if I do wait, then how long should I wait until I date him? If I wait, he may meet someone else. What's the best approach to a situation like this? How do you know if and when someone is ready to date when they've experienced a divorce? And what about just taking it slow with him - would that work? What's your advice?
-Carolyn from Colorado Springs (Published by Relationship Coaching Institute where Katherin is a Certified Master Relationhship Coach)

KS:  Dear Carolyn!
I believe the timeframe of 5 months since this man's divorce isn't the issue.  The issue is more about what this man has done in terms of healing and personal growth since he and his ex made the decision to split.

Ask yourself:  How does he talk about his ex?  Has he taken the time to understand what he did to contribute to the health and to the demise of his marriage?  Has he learned his life lessons from the marriage, or will he make those same mistakes again?  Can he be happy moving into an exclusive relationship with you or does he want to date other woman?

There are no guarantees in life or love.  Some people make great strides in five months; others don't make any personal progress after five years.

Before your heart (and the chemistry) takes over your logical thinking, make sure he actually meets ALL of your non-negotiable requirements, that he has done his personal work, and that he has the potential to add value to your life.

That said, if you've both done your work and you meet each other's requirements - go for it!

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Q:  I met an automotive (truck/SUV) engineer about 5 months ago and we started dating. The chemistry is there, we have a great time and we're both interested in a long-term commitment. He's was in management at one of the Big Three. He just got laid off. He's in his late 50s and his prospects
for finding another position are slim to none. He's down, dejected, and is extremely worried.

One of my relationship requirements is that I only date someone who's employed. Given my own personal struggles with money in my life and having worked hard for everything that I have today, I don't want to be in any circumstances that involve struggle, strive, or issues around money. I never communicated to him, in a direct way, that I would never date someone who didn't have a job. I know what I need to do - break up with him. I'm not willing to give up my own requirements, but, at the same time, this is not going to be easy to do. And, yes, I know that anyone can lose their job at any time.

I think I understand what requirements are - they are things I must have in the relationship in order for me to be in that relationship. They are non-negotiable. My question for my future reference - how and when in the relationship do you communicate your requirements to someone you're dating? And, then, what do you do when a requirement is violated well into a relationship with someone - even if you're married to them? What's your advice?
- Diane from Bloomfield Hills (Published by Relationship Coaching Institute where Katherin is a Certified Master Relationhship Coach)

KS:  Dear Diane!
I appreciate how you've worked hard to create a stable situation for yourself when it comes to money and I appreciate how you won't settle for anything less from the man you get into a relationship with.

Men must be settled in their career before they can focus on a relationship.  Our economy is playing havoc with this.  If a single man is unemployed or his career in transition, he's unavailable for a committed relationship.  His focus will be on getting his work settled and under control - which it should be. 

So, break-up if you need to or just put the relationship on hold until he gets things figured out money-wise.  He needs your support just now, not your fear or judgment.

As to when to discuss your non-negotiables - I teach singles to pre-qualify or dis-qualify a potential partner in 5 minutes or less.  Seriously, how long do you want to be involved with someone if they don't meet your non-negotiables?  However, be sure you've done the work to be very clear about what you must have in a relationship and know how to qualify a potential mate.

And, if your partner violates your requirement after you've been together for a while, give it all you've got to work it out before you leave.  Maybe you weren't clear, maybe your boundaries aren't strong or maybe circumstances have changed dramatically.  Learning to work things our takes courage and skills.  Get the help you both need before you quit the relationship.

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Q:  I met a wonderful woman at a friend's home over Thanksgiving.  We're both divorced, in our mid-forties.  We naturally connected and started going out casually right after that time.  We have fun together -- going out to eat, dancing, different activities -- but the relationship is obviously really new to both of us.  We haven't discussed any expectations or plans for the future.  I don't have any plans for anything beyond a basic dating relationship.

Valentine's Day is right around the corner and it's causing me a bit of concern.  I don't love her, but I like her.  At the same time, she hasn't said she loves me either.  Way too early for that!  My concern is, how do I handle Valentine's Day? Certainly, I want to go out to dinner and enjoy the evening with her, but at the same time, I don't want to give her the wrong impression.

What should I say or do, or rather, NOT say or do, to avoid sending the wrong message?  I want to be friends and that's it for now.  Any thoughts?
- Steve from Savannah  (Published by Relationship Coaching Institute where Katherin is a Certified Master Relationhship Coach)

KS:  Dear Steve!

Isn't it interesting that a time of celebration can cause so much angst - no matter what a person's relationship status?  Even committed couples worry if they're doing the right thing, getting the right gift, etc.  And, we all know the stress Valentine's Day causes singles!

For your situation, my suggestion is to have a conscious, courageous conversation with the woman you're dating.  Tell her you're enjoying spending time with her and invite her to dinner for Valentine's Day.  A card would be nice, and maybe a single rose, but certainly a dozen red roses are not necessary in your case.

And, here's where the courageous part comes in; tell her you like her and you enjoy dating her and that you look forward to getting to know her better in the future - and you realize you haven't known each other for long but you still want to celebrate Valentine's Day with her because she is special to you.

And, it's important for you to be okay with where you are in this relationship.  If you're able to let go of whatever expectations you're feeling, you'll be able to relax and have a wonderful evening with a wonderful woman.

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Q:  I really want to settle down and get married.  I'm in my mid thirties and professionally employed.  I've dated regularly, but just haven't found the right woman.  I attend various singles events and enjoy the friends I've made and the social part as well. 

There's a speed dating event that's coming up and I've never done that before, but it sounds like fun and I'm excited about the potential to meet someone new.  What's the best way to prepare for Something like this? It's a 7-minute speed date.  What are the best or right questions to ask?  What types of information should I share?  What's your advice? 

- Marc from Montreal (Published by Relationship Coaching Institute where Katherin is a Certified Master Relationhship Coach)

KS:  Dear Marc!

You're smart to want to prepare for a Speed Dating event.  Some things to think about prior to the event:

Dress Well and Comfortably:  Wear a shirt the color of your eyes to make your eyes stand out.  If you have brown eyes, wear a shirt in your "blush tone" to make your cheeks glow, such as burgundy.

Pay Attention to Your Body Language:  Mirror and match your date's body language to make them feel comfortable with you.  Open body language (no crossed arms) and direct eye contact are very important when making a good impression.

Be Confident:  Use the "eyebrow flash" as you say hello and introduce yourself.  Stay focused on your date instead of thinking about yourself.  Your date will feel important and you'll feel less nervous.

Speak Positively:  Don't talk negatively about your work, your ex(s), or anything else for that matter.  Your intention is to get to know the other person, not to rant about what's not working in your life. 

Ask Clarifying/Open-Ended Questions:  Ask questions to determine if your date meets your non-negotiable requirements.  Work with a dating coach prior to the event if you're not sure about your "must-have's."  Ask "conversational" questions rather than questions which sound more like an interview or, worse yet, an interrogation.  Examples:  "What do you do for fun?"  "Where's your favorite vacation spot?"

Be Open:  Say "Yes!" to someone outside of your usual dating patterns.

And - Smile and Have Fun! 

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